I had a light bulb moment this week.  It finally came to me why I liked school so much.  It’s because of the assignments.  I never had to wonder what I was supposed to be doing.  The teacher decided that and assigned it to the students.  Assignments usually came with scoring rubrics which told me exactly what the teacher was expecting.  That’s the sort of thing I can run with.  When I know what someone wants done and how they want it done, I’m in my comfort zone.

I think this is why I enjoyed my first marriage so much.  I married a military captain who was used to taking charge and had no problem handing out orders.  It irked some people but not me.  He was clear in what he wanted and pleased when I delivered it.  I’m always eager to please.  That’s just my nature.

I think that’s why I’m struggling a bit now.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing and no one is handing me a scoring rubric to measure myself against.  My current hubby is a wonderful guy but he wouldn’t dream of handing me a list of what he wants done each day.  If I ask him what I should be doing, he’ll shoot back, “What do you want to do?”  He puts the ball back in my court and forces me to decide for myself.  That’s not my comfort zone.  In the last couple of years, my life has gone from being very structured and busy to much more open-ended.  I find ways to fill my time but I wonder if I’m doing what I should be doing.  I’ve prayed a lot about that question but so far I’ve gotten a lot of silence.  I continue to try to do what I think are good things to do but life seems kind of random like it’s made up of  a lot of story lines with no central plot.  Maybe one day all the threads will come together and be beautiful but it’s hard to see that today.

My latest random thing is gardening.  I’m digging up the front and side yards making the existing beds larger.  My digging yielded some interesting treasures – bricks and paving stones- that were buried from someone’s past attempts I guess.  I don’t know what to do with them so I’m digging up the back yard trying to make some kind of path with them.  The path feels a bit like my life.  I don’t really know where it’s headed or how it’s quite going to turn out.  I’m just using what I have hoping for a good outcome.  I hope one day to look back on all my inexperienced gardening attempts and find in my wake a gorgeous garden.  For now it’s spadeful after spadeful, a stone here, a plant there, a kind gesture this day, volunteering the next.  Is that the way to a beautiful life?  Anyone with an assignment and scoring rubric for me?

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